On my birthday this year, I started writing a letter to God. It's been one year since I launched this blog, and my life has been in turmoil. Still, there are moments of joy. But also deep pain and confusion.
What should I do? How can I become better? How can my writing let me be true to you?
I was going to write, "How can my writing let me be true to myself?" But being true to myself might not be what I need.
Being true to you is far deeper.
Should I move back to Providence? Should I get that little apartment in the Arcade and rebuild? Or be in New York? Elsewhere?
Can I break away from my past selfishness and give myself to love fully?
Can I do something different with my life now?
Can I give more to the world? Will it be through writing or through something else?
I don’t know.
What should I do?
Right now isn’t working. Right now is broken. I’m obsessing. About my workouts, my clothes, how I look, my food intake, my friends, my parents.
I’m not obsessing enough about my God. About the ways that I can and should and must give back.
I reach out to others in my own loneliness and desperation. Do I truly care about them as people?
Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, in my better moments, yes.
So much of my life was selfish. So much of my life was not what God had in mind for me.
I'm trying to get better.
Most people can’t touch God within their lifetimes. I know I haven’t yet. We see the echoes of God only. We see them in each other's faces and in each other’s good acts. That’s why I launched this blog, to try to explore kindness in human acts.
Deep pain and confusion are both inherent to the human condition. That's why we need each other: to share these feelings, process them, and try not to feel alone.
Whoever you are, out there reading this, know that you are not alone. I am sending love to you. Love and peace.